Gone again
A motorcycle just pulled off down the street. Music beats reassuringly in my headphones. External pulse goes to auditory center then straight to my gut, the shallow parts of my chest, relaxing all the emotionally knotted parts. I can feel the triple locked, garrisoned, barricaded, portcullised gates to my heart loosening a little. I've been angry a lot the past few days. The knowledge that the clouds will part does not make the experience of the pain any less.
Housemate, new friends, old friends, ex-boyfriends, students, the realities of this planet earth: disappointing, infuriating, unfair, painful, irritating, discouraging, saddening. Lonely.
I want to be comforted. I realized that last night somewhere after art. Who will comfort me? Could someone please? I would like that. A strong arm around my shoulders, gently urging me to lean on his chest, smell him, let the worries go, whatever they are. Not trouble myself any further.
I am coming closer to acknowledging what I want in this life. This seems the inevitable first step towards achieving it. I was getting there, stumblingly, before this latest chapter in my life. Now for the second time in 3 years I have gotten off this high speed goose chase of my life for one reason and one reason alone and I cannot make the reason fruit. I might not even be able to give it enough time to reveal itself before I make a change again. Changes are not bad. They do not even necessarily have to mean changes in location, which I have been stirring up so relentlessly in my life for the past several years. But the basic truth is when I focus on my career (which would be the next change, again) I seem to do so to the exclusion of everything else, in particular to the exclusion of finding a mate.
In plainer language: I am not sure I am going to have a career in education. I think I am going to go back to school and get my MPH because I want an international career and I want to do something I might be able to leave at the office sometimes. Because I want to get started on this. I will not be enjoying the luxury of my current life (lots of time) for more than two years. Maybe the person I am going to be with for a while is here with me now or is going to walk into my life tomorrow but I fret that if I don't meet him soon, I will not. And that might lead to my ultimately failing as I go forward because I need a lot of support.
Of course I have support. My family is near by. And though I do not yet say it often or loudly this means a lot to me and I am really enjoying having them near. This seriously diminishes my chances of leaving the area even though I a) HATE! the weather. Did I mention that I hate the weather? I HATE THE WEATHER !!! and b) I despair of meeting someone here. How do I do better in that latter category? How do people meet? Any suggestions or ideas people? Anyone?
Settling down here is an idea I am slowly adjusting to. I feel like I am in too many things right now. Trying too hard to find the right fit. Either that or I'm just tired or both.
The last idea I want to vent tonight is this. There are 3 men here I am interested in. One is engaged so he is off the list. I have the tiniest fantasy of breaking that up but that only happens in the movies. And even if it worked the fallout has so much potential for ugliness. That's just the wrong way to go about getting someone. The second one is much older than me. I am afraid to make a move and seem, naive, young and stupid (though all may be true). Further he is a central figure in a social group I share with my older brother. Holy awkward Batman, right. The third one is a distinct possibility that I am going to pursue. I just haven't closed the deal yet. Maybe next weekend. It would just be nice to cuddle.
However, in a bold move towards my goal I bought some hot pants so I am ready for a trip to the clubs and some dancing and friend-making.
Love. Love. Love
Peace.
